May The Best Man Survive
by ImpracticalDemon
Summary: One-shot written for this prompt: "Gray would never have in a million years thought he'd host Natsu's bachelor party (Nalu pairing). Why is it his job to herd the bunch of rowdy mages from bar to bar, ending up at the guild where the real surprise party is? Oh yeah, the idiot had asked him to be the best man at his wedding. Hijinks, chaos and hilarity ensue."


**Author's Note:**

 **This story is dedicated to danceswithseatbelts (also Nalufever on tumblr) for her birthday!**

 **With best wishes to a NaLu fan and excellent writer!**

 **~Impracticaldemon** (currently on episode ~ 110 of the original anime)

* * *

 **Prompt:** (Drabble request)  
"Gray would never have in a million years thought he'd host Natsu's bachelor party (nalu pairing). Why is it his job to herd the bunch of rowdy mages from bar to bar, ending up at the guild where the real surprise party is? Oh yeah, the idiot had asked him to be the best man at his wedding. Hijinks, chaos and hilarity ensue."

* * *

 **May the Best Man ... Survive**

* * *

[I]

* * *

Barkeepers always looked… concerned… whenever more than one or two Fairy Tail mages stopped in for a drink. This was nothing compared to the terror they experienced when one of the mages was Natsu. Gray had been forced to arrange for each of the chosen bars _in advance_ just to make sure that the guest of honour would be allowed to cross the threshold. In some cases, only veiled threats and a promise of payment for damages had been sufficient.

 _Why me_ , Gray asked himself for the hundredth time. _Why am_ I _responsible for herding this crazy bunch of misfits? As this rate I'm going to need a drink more than anyone else!_

He'd originally been rather touched when Natsu had asked him to be the best man at his wedding to Lucy. After all, Natsu could have asked any number of guys, especially when you considered that most of the dragon slayers were men. Still, he and Natsu had been fighting together for a long time now (sometimes as a team, sometimes just each other), and although Natsu was somebody that a lot of people looked up to these days for courage and inspiration, the Slayer wasn't actually especially close to very many people. Eventually, Gray had admitted to himself that he would've been pretty pissed off if Natsu had asked anybody else.

 _Right. I wanted this job... Or I took it anyway._

With the ease of long practice over the course of the first hour of the evening, Gray threw up an ice wall to protect the front windows of the current bar. Elfman and Gajeel were having an arm-wrestling competition at a table near the door, which with those two meant serious business. The Ice-Make mage had already subtly reinforced the table and the chairs and had covertly amused himself by making all the surfaces just a little bit more slippery than usual. Watching Gajeel throw himself onto the chair—and then right off the other side—had almost been worth the price of admission.

As the competition got into its third full minute, people started to make some serious bets. Erza came sauntering in just then and Gray rolled his eyes. He didn't want her to make a hectic situation worse, and although she was the most law-abiding person he knew, she'd been known to do just that. She was an odd combination of maturity, strength and naïve innocence all at once, and he still didn't always know what situations would bring out the Amazon and which the awkward girl that she had been when she first arrived at Fairy Tail.

He quickly went over to her, giving quick, reassuring nods to Loke and Lyon, who didn't look happy about the red-head's arrival. Erza tended to take things—well, pretty much everything—just a little more seriously than absolutely necessary. As usual, Gray found himself smiling at the Requip mage. He'd had a crush on her for a few years when he was younger, and he thought it was that serious side of her that he'd liked, together with her bedrock-hard certainty that kindness and friendship were more important than anything else. In fact, even though he and Natsu had spent several years agreeing with each other that she was an all-around terrifying person (which she was), he suspected that Natsu had felt the same way as he did: both of them would do almost anything not to see Erza cry.

In the present circumstances however…

"Erza, hey—what are you up to? You know we're here for Natsu's bachelor party, right?"

As expected, the warrior was looking around in great interest. Gray could have predicted the next words out of her mouth:

"I've never been to a bachelor party. This looks like fun, especially the way you've got everything decorated with ice! It's a little cold, though. So, where's Natsu?"

Gray tried to keep his body unobtrusively between Erza and his guests. He noticed that he was suddenly topless and realized that he was a little nervous about explaining to Erza that she really couldn't stay. A quick look over his shoulder showed him that Lyon was just as bare-chested. Loke was snickering at both of them—Gray couldn't actually hear him, but he could tell. And somewhere back near the bar, Laxus would be grinning at his discomfort.

"Natsu tried to ride the bucking bronco machine—for a bet, of course," Gray told Erza, with a grin.

The dark-haired man and the scarlet-haired woman turned as one to regard the imitation bucking bronco that had wreaked almost immediate havoc with Natsu's digestive system. Erza's eyes twinkled understandingly.

"A bucking bronco is a mode of travel? How did you keep him from destroying it?" she asked, stifling a snicker.

"Well… I really didn't want him puking everywhere, and I didn't want him wrecking the place, right? So I _might_ have put some ice under him to put an end to things sooner rather than later."

Erza nodded sagely, agreeing with Gray's tactics. Gray decided that this was a good time to take the bronco by the horns—or however that expression went.

"Jellal went with him, to make sure he was okay," he commented, as Erza resumed her interested scan of the room. "Um, he might have been the one who made the bet."

"They are using some dangerous magic over there," Erza noted sternly, taking a closer look at the arm wrestling competition. Gajeel's Iron Slayer magic had reinforced his arm, and Elfman was using Partial Takeover; both straining arms looked monstrous.

"Ah, yes… that's why it's my job to keep everyone and everything safe."

Erza looked dubiously at the assembled mages, while Gray psyched himself up for another attempt to ask Erza to leave. Bickslow and Freed were watching the arm-wrestling; as usual, Freed was calm and Bickslow was right into the competitive mood. Droy, Jet, Macao and Wakaba were all there as well, and Gajeel's Exceed companion, Pantherlily, was starting to look extremely tense, which was more frightening most would have thought possible for an eighteen- or twenty-inch high cat.

"Is Jellal helping you?" Erza asked before Gray could make his second attempt.

"Yes," Gray said as firmly as he could.

In fact, Jellal had really surprised him by getting quietly drunk within the first half-hour of the party. Gray had no idea how he'd managed it, but he'd been preoccupied at the time. The blue-haired mage was still most definitely inebriated, but in a calm, polite kind of way, which was why Gray had allowed him to help out Natsu. The occasional half-formed energy discharges were unfortunate but not—well not totally—unexpected. Gray wasn't going to confirm to Erza that her—boyfriend? lover?—was the one who had made the bet with Natsu. Natsu didn't have to be drunk to take weird bets. But Erza didn't even pursue his earlier comment.

"I see Laxus made it," Erza pressed on. "I'm surprised. Then again…"

"Yes, he's here alright. And everyone's having a great time!" Seeing that Erza had just noticed the lovely and nearly-nude sylphs who were fetching drinks from the wary and rather embarrassed barman, he finally blurted out: "You aren't supposed to be here Erza!"

Without a second's thought, Erza reached over and hoisted Gray off the floor.

"Natsu has been my friend for a very long time, Gray; of course it is important for me to be here for his last big party before he becomes Mr. Heartfilia." When Gray gaped at her, she added thoughtfully: "Although I suppose Lucy might be just as happy to stop using the Heartfilia name. It is a much nicer name than Dragneel though. But either way, I must be here for Natsu. He would be disappointed if I missed this important celebration."

With the timing only given to saints and scoundrels, Natsu strolled in from the back regions of the bar at that moment. He was… disheveled to say the least. Only his white scarf still looked much the same as always. There were rents in the vest and the pants and his face was a mass of bruises all down the left side.

"Erza!" Natsu jumped in surprise. "What the hell are you doing here? I mean—you're not a guy! I mean—obviously!"

Gray could only stare in horrified fascination as his best friend made distinctive gestures with his large hands that perfectly described Erza's generous breasts. He was tempted to encase Natsu and what remained of Natsu's brain cells—if there were any—in a heavy coating of ice, but he knew it would be useless. Sadly, it appeared that the pink-haired mage wasn't done yet. _And he can call it "salmon" all he wants, his hair is frickin'_ pink, thought Gray with the pettiness of the damned, as Natsu frowned at Erza and then turned back to him.

"So? Gray, why did you invite Erza? I mean, not that I'm drunk or anything, but I think Jellal _is_ an' Jellal was planning to write some kind of fancy poem or something for Erza BUT—" he paused to get his face right next to Gray's so he could speak more quietly. His whisper was audible across the room. "BUT—get THIS—Jellal says that Erza's so hot that he can't concentrate well enough to write when she's around!"

Supremely indifferent to Erza's wide eyes and darkening cheeks (and expression), and Gray's quick retreat, Natsu concluded: "But it doesn't matter because Freed can tell us the rules! FREED!"

Freed jumped. Lyon came over to stand with Gray. Across the room, the table finally cracked, spilling Gajeel and Elfman off their slippery seats and onto the floor. A brawl was imminent, since both sides in the ongoing bets claimed that their man had won. Reedus, who had drawn the wispily-clad serving maidens in the first place, was collecting them about him, apparently afraid for their safety.

"Way to keep control, Ice-Faker."

"Piss off, Lyon. Geez, it's not like I'm doing this for myself."

Jellal was standing behind Natsu, his eyes glassy with the fixed look of the inebriated—or the shocked, it was hard to tell. Then he hurried forward, tripped, crashed into Natsu and both men crashed to the floor. It could have been on purpose… or not.

"Erza," said Gray. "Please. Please just go away. Now."

In cool, precise tones, Freed started to explain the rules of bachelor parties. After a few moments, Gray decided that there _were_ no rules for bachelor's parties. Which wasn't the point. Erza was staring at Jellal. Natsu was incoherent. Gray could have told Erza that this was on account of his fight with Gajeel, rather than alcohol, but what difference did it make? Laxus was still sitting back on a bar stool smirking. He gave the Ice-Make mage two ironic thumbs up as the fight in the corner started to warm up.

"THAT'S IT!" shouted Gray, as Natsu got himself untangled from Jellal. Gray was starting to have doubts about whether Jellal was really drunk; it wouldn't surprise him to find out that the blue-haired mage had taken Natsu down on purpose to buy Gray more time to think.

While Natsu and Erza were momentarily stunned, Gray rode to the top of an ice pillar. He cuffed the participants in the incipient brawl with thick ice manacles. Elfman and Gajeel were still arm-wrestling, lying on their stomachs on the ground. Thinking with concern about the cost of replacing all the flooring not to mention foundations, Gray encased both of them in ice up to their chins. It wouldn't hold them long, but…

"ALRIGHT EVERYONE LISTEN UP! ERZA IS HERE! PACK IT IN RIGHT NOW AND GET BACK TO THE GUILD OR YOU'LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO JELLAL RECITE SEXY POETRY TO HER! ERZA MAY NOT FORGIVE YOU!"

There was a moment of stunned shock. Freed turned red. Loke smirked. The combatants hurried to stand up, adjust their clothing, and rush for the door. To do them justice, many of them patted Natsu on the shoulder before fleeing the premises. Gajeel and Elfman traded identical, horrified looks and did likewise. Within a minute or two, only Erza, Jellal, Gray and Natsu remained. Erza was like a waxwork effigy and Gray didn't dare to look at her. Jellal was lying on his back staring up at the ceiling, apparently quite relaxed. Natsu was sitting up looking both sulky and a little more alert.

"Aw man, Gray, me an' Gajeel were going to have a rematch! And Laxus said we could go a couple of rounds!"

Without missing a beat, Gray snapped: "Jellal!"

"What? No!" Suddenly, Erza was as red as her hair.

Fortunately, it was too late.

"Her hair ripples like a crimson tide over her naked shoulders, flowing down the curves and planes of her back. A few wayward tendrils float freely above her perfect breasts, caressing the—"

"AGHHH! NO! STOP! I GIVE!" Natsu sprang to his feet. "BYESEEYOUATTHEGUILDGRAY!"

The pink haired Slayer hurtled out the door. Gray, his cheeks burning, offered his hand to Jellal. He also waved away the ice decorations (and shock absorbers) around the room.

Jellal patted Gray on the back. "You get along back to the Guild, Gray."

"Um, yeah, thanks. Erza… yeah, anyway, see you back at the Guild."

Erza was staring at Jellal openmouthed. Gray decided to go see whether his motley crew were actually heading in the right direction. There was a nice big party set up at the Guild—and with the Guildmaster there, Gray wouldn't have to supervise. Thank the gods. He trudged out the door, accelerating when he heard Jellal clear his throat.

He tried very hard not to hear the next part, but the line "her magnificent alabaster thighs" would haunt him for days to come.

* * *

[II]

* * *

Lucy was truly radiant as she approached the flower-covered trellis under which she and Natsu would become husband and wife. She read love and warm appreciation in Natsu's dark, sage green eyes. When he gently took her hands in his in order to recite the vows they had chosen, she felt a tiny tremor at the warm contact.

The golden-haired Celestial mage only had eyes for Natsu. She was surprised, however, when after the traditional first kiss her very own Salamander bent his head down beside her ear and murmured:

"Your hair ripples like a golden tide over your naked shoulders—or at least, I hope it will soon…"

* * *

END (Not E.N.D.)

* * *

 **A/Note:** All reviews and favourites greatly appreciated! \\(^u^)/

(Also, I am only at First Series anime #110. I have not read the manga. Yet!)


End file.
